Looking back at what has happened, I can laugh now, but just a little bit. Sometimes when the joke is on me, it is not that funny! I should have remembered the old adage, “we make our plans, and God laughs.”
I knew that I was going to have some down-time after my surgery, and that there would be a few weeks when I couldn’t get out much. In planning for it I wrote, “I just don’t want to waste this time without hearing something from God.” So when I got home from the hospital I had a stack of books beside my bed. Deeply spiritual, intellectually challenging, cutting-edge authors from our current generation, and classics from long ago - they were all going to speak to me, and I was going to emerge from this as a deeper more spiritual man. (Here is where I now can hear the laughter.) I had this all set up with God, and it was just going to be wonderful!
Exactly what happened next was exactly what I didn’t count on. Lying in my bed as I began to read, I read for five minutes and became so dizzy and nauseous that I couldn’t continue. When I plowed on in my reading, none of it seemed to make much sense. No explosions went off in my spirit. The bells just didn’t ring. My favorite authors had all lost their punch. I found it an absolute drudgery to read. All I could think of was how weak I was, how sick I felt, how tired I was of sleepless nights, how uncomfortable and annoying and painful it was to just try to get through the day. When I prayed, it was much the same way. I could pray short prayers like “please help me” but could not seem to pray for more than a minute. My mind wandered back to my overwhelmingly sick feelings.
After a couple of weeks I realized that my noble plan to go into the depths had fallen flat. My studies and prayers, instead of being deeper, had become even more shallow than before. I had gone backwards! I was so disillusioned. I half-thought and half-dreamed a prayer that assessed blame. “God, I thought you were going to come through for me and teach me some great stuff, and you didn’t do it!” Then I thought maybe it was my fault. “God I am sorry I have let you down. I know we had a plan for me to learn some really profound truth, and I have disappointed both of us!”
Feeling tired, sick, and frustrated, I finally felt a little nudge, and seemed to hear a gentle inner voice trying to speak to me. The message was totally unexpected, and did not address my complaints at all. The voice simply said, “Talk to your daddy, Jimmy!”
I wondered why that was being said to me. My father has been gone for 25 years. But as I lay in the bed, my thoughts went to my beloved father who had spent the last year of his life in a losing battle with terminal cancer, enduring the ravages of surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation, until mercifully He was taken home by angels. When he was sick I had tried to be there for him, had prayed for him and with him, and told him how much he had meant to me. But I had a busy life and family, and a lot of other things were going on. I had work to do and places to go and people to see. Yes, I often came to visit, but what he really needed from me was missing.
“Talk to your daddy, Jimmy!” It was the name my dad had always called me. “Jimmy.”
My tears flowed as I let go of some of my rational restraints. “Daddy, I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to be there for you in the way you needed when you were so very sick! I didn’t have a clue how bad it was! Now I know a little of what you went through - how sick and nauseous you were, how discouraging and terrifying it was, and the loneliness and abandonment you felt. Daddy I can now understand how you can feel so much pain that all you live for is a moment’s relief. Daddy, I want you to know that NOW I really can feel it with you, I KNOW how hard it was! I miss you and I love you! Please forgive me, daddy, I just didn’t understand!”
Of course, all of this conversation and confession was really not for my father, but for me. Even with my stack of books , the lesson I needed to learn was not of the head, but of the heart. Compassion comes when we have experienced the same kind of pain that others are now feeling.
Most of the books are still stacked by the bed. That is okay. But I deeply hope that sometime and somewhere along the way a person who is suffering will notice something within me that will tell them that I really do care, because I have been there. Obviously this was not in my plan, but it was in His.
Sometimes lessons of the heart don’t come from books, even good ones. Now I know.
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