When confronting my mortality

I want to share with you some thoughts that have come to my mind during a time of personal crisis which includes the necessary confronting of my own mortality.

[Please don’t misunderstand. The latest word is that I will probably be “fine.”]

Like most of us, I prefer to be able to lolligag through life, deceiving myself into believing that I am not only in control of things, but also am immortal, indispensible, and invincible. Facing the truth that I am actually helpless, disposable, and either slowly or quickly dying (as we all are) is not a “fun thing” to do. But it is the beginning of an honest journey into reality, authenticity, and deeper spiritual truth. Though we never welcome “bad news”, it can indeed be a wake-up call to lead us to a life of greater joyfulness and peace.

Upon first hearing the reports from the doctors, I wrote this to some friends:

“Nothing ticks me off more than for people to spout phrases about God as if they never have to wrestle with their faith or their knowledge of God and His plans. Maybe I’m just jealous, but the quick-simple-easy way of Christianity doesn’t relate to me any more. I think that I must always carry with me a lot of angst in order for it to be real.

“I want whatever profession of faith that I have to have been tried in the fire and found to be true and authentic. I don’t want a soft sentimental version of Christianity which denies the very real presence of fear and doubt. Maybe I am making this harder on myself and on God too. But it’s the miracle I am asking for. A miracle of healing would be wonderful, but another acceptable option would be a genuine encounter with the One who I really believe has come through this thing called death and came out alive!

“I know that I am in the grip of grace, regardless. I just don’t want to waste this time without really hearing something (from God).”

One thing that quickly happened was a huge increase in intensity and sensitivity to the people who came into my life. There were fewer meaningless events. Several times a day I ran into someone who needed me, or someone whom I needed. Nothing was a coincidence. I wrote, “this time has been a reminder for me to take nothing for granted, to cherish each day, to intently seek to discern a sovereign hand in every encounter with others, and to be grateful for every relationship.”

There were many times when I would wake up at night in a panic. There was one time when the panic gripped me and stayed for hours. It was really horrible. During those times, the only real cure was a dose of “reality therapy.” I had to remind myself that if I died tonight I should have no complaint. There are so many stories of people who were better than I am, and they died from wars, storms, car wrecks, or many other calamities or diseases, without having nearly the number of years that I have had. God has been more than fair to me. I found that a submissive and grateful spirit will replace the feeling of panic and fearfulness.

Soon I began to receive reports that a lot of people were remembering me in prayer. I cannot describe how much that meant to me! I was SO comforted and encouraged by this! Now, to be honest, I don’t have the foggiest about how prayer works. I don’t believe in a God who changes his mind because a certain number of people ask him to. And I know there are some times when situations and people get better, and many times when they don’t. How and why I cannot say. But for some strange reason, I was delighted to know that people were praying, and I felt that it was so important! I asked them to please continue.

One other thing that is obvious is that this life, right now, is very precious. The opportunity to be with other human beings and to enjoy their company is a great gift. We may talk a lot about a home in heaven, and I believe it’s really real, and even bigger and better than the preachers have said! But given the choice, let me stay right here as long as I can!

I was reluctant to write about this because I don’t want this to be about me. What each of you is going through is as important as anything that happens to me. I only want to share with you the thoughts and lessons which I am learning at this time, in the hope that you will think about them and perhaps benefit from them.

Let me remind myself, as I also remind you. The Allstate commercial is right, whether or not you buy their insurance. We’re in good hands.